Self-Compassion Exercise
Guidelines and ideas to consider for the self-compassion exercise.
Synopsis Length: A minimum of 6 pages double spaced (1500 words)
EXERCISE: Throughout the semester, practice interacting and relating to yourself in a compassionate manner. This doesn’t mean always being positive in your assessment of yourself. That type of approach actually tends to lead down the road of narcissism.
Rather, it means learning to accept yourself as you are, instead of who you think you ‘should’ be. Or worse, pretending to yourself that you already are that ‘should be’ person, as self-esteem based approaches often lead one to do. That’s exactly how one falls into the narcissism trap.
Self-compassion means being calm and kind, rather than harsh and critical in your inner dialogue. And sometimes, doing the “compassionate” thing will mean not doing the “nice” thing for yourself. Ie. avoiding work even though it feels better to do so. That is often being nice to ‘present’ us, at the expense of ‘future’ us…who of course ‘present’ us will become, and be quite stressed and annoyed once we do so. It’s okay to be firm with yourself, as long as it’s not in a fashion that’s emotionally damaging to you.
The same approach goes for your interactions with others. Letting people walk all over you or take advantage of you is neither compassionate nor saintly. You’re allowing yourself to be harmed, and allowing the other person to entrench self-destructive behaviours. Ultimately you’re actually hurting two people. Maintaining boundaries is important, just practice doing it in a way that’s not demeaning to the other party. In time, you’ll see that this is actually easier to do. You won’t have as much anxiety around advocating for yourself if you’re not doing so in a manner that makes you afraid you’ll escalate a situation beyond your comfort zone.
METHOD: Document your experiences in whatever manner seems fit and natural to you. After all, these are emotions and inner experiences, not readouts on a chart.
At the end of the semester, you will be asked to create a synopsis of your experiences and hand it in. You will absolutely not be asked to share any personal or private elements of this which you do not wish to. For the purpose of assessing this exercise, the personal details are far less important than your approach to them. Furthermore, the graders will not see the names of those who submitted the synopses.
The synopsis to be at least 6 pages double spaced (1500 words), but you can go longer if you need to. Just be considerate of the TA marking it.
APPROACHES and OBSERVATIONS: If you are unsure what sorts of things you should be observing and recording, here are some ideas you can use:
What types of situations do you find that you need to use compassion toward yourself in? Can you see patterns emerging over time?
What types of things created those situations? Are they under your control or not?
If you find yourself being self-critical or self defeating, what kind of internal voice do you observe? Does it sound like anyone you’ve know in your life? We can often internalize the negative voices of others for various reasons, particularly parents or other authority figures.
Which techniques shared throughout the course worked, or didn’t work? Did they become more effective with practice, or less so once the novelty had worn off?
Do you find an internal resistance towards this project? Find yourself ‘forgetting’ or putting it off, even though it’s literally just being good to yourself? Does this point you toward anything in yourself you may not have seen before?
Do you feel on some level like you don’t ‘deserve’ this? If so, why? What kind of person does and doesn’t deserve compassion in your current worldview?
Do you notice any changes in how your relationship toward yourself impacts your relationships toward others?
Do you find yourself able to spot others in your life who aren’t compassionate toward themselves? Can you begin to detect an inner pain or turmoil behind the words of those who may be harsh with others?
Do you feel that you run the risk of being walked over or taken advantage of by others if you become too ’soft’? Or do you feel you’ll lose control of yourself without rigid self restraint? Can you find a way to balance firmness with compassion in dealing with both yourself and others?
Do the feelings involved in this exercise feel distant and inaccessible? Can you find a place within yourself to begin pulling on that thread, and get in touch with them, even if only a little?
Do you find this type of exercise leads to fears or anxieties popping up at the edge of your awareness? If so, can you address and engage with them compassionately?
